Let me start off by saying that my funeral better be a party. I tell alissa all the time that i want it to be a party, but for some reason she thinks i am joking, and if you know me, I am always serious. ALWAYS.
I want a good food buffet, some pita and hummus, chai tea, anything with pesto, sweet potato fries, tom ka gai soup...mmmmmmmmm, and some tofu green curry and of course sushi.
I want to be sitting up in my coffin with my eyes OPEN and a big phat smile, Kinda saying "gotcha" i mean honestly, when was the last time you saw that at funeral? Lets celebrate a life well lived. Pump the music, Bob, Phish, John Mayer, Metallica, the Dead, ray Lamontaine, a little Rage, Bboys (travis you better karaoke one for me) and some good country...thats right i said good country like brad paisely and willie nelson. While were at it lets have some races let the kids run around. I wonder if they could rig a gun in my hand and make it look like i was saying "GO" Maybe thats too much to ask of the mortician. But what if we brought in some wax statues...could do a lot of cool stuff with those, but that not very practical and I'm a budget conciouse kinda guy. Cardboard cutouts, now thats the ticket!!
But seriously enough with all this planning of the funeral, the real question is how are you gonna go out? I mean really i want to go out in style. We celebrate life, so cant we celebrate death?
so here are just some ways of dying that "IF" i die, i wouldn't mind dying from.
- mountain lion attack
- not necessarily funny but for as much time as i spend by myself in the mountains it would be a cool way to go. And look at it this way, i used to want to get a tattoo (glad i didn't, too trendy) but if that sucker didn't kill me i would have some AWESOME SCARS.
- leg shaving incident
- I know this happens ALL the time. trying to get that hard spot behind your knees, or the tricky spot down by your ankles, and you cut your legs up, but what if its a real bad cut and you cant stop the bleeding, you pass out in the shower hit your head and BAM its over...off to never never land. I guess the one positive aspect of death by leg shaving would be, if I was wearing shorts at the viewing, my legs would look great!!!
- hit by a car, but not the normal way.............inside a porta potty
- I like this idea because it could create some really awkward conversations after the fact. "hey what the crap happened to matt ward" "dude don't say that, didn't you hear how he died"
- flying off a cliff while damning red bull to hell, because it really didn't "give me wings"
- Lets be honest here i think for as much sugar free red bull as i drink (how else do you think i can do 3 am workouts) i should have ownership in the company. Maybe if i die this way, then i could have a sweet lawsuit and create a huge trust for my kids and family. Not to worry, i have a pretty sweet trust fund set up already but $12.34 really wont get them that far!
- vending machine incident
- talk about irony. Rocking that sucker trying to get the grandma's pink sugar cookie that i shouldn't have been eating anyway. then the damn machine falls on me and kills me. Radically poetic, the endurance athletes "achilles heel"...get it haha
but once again these are strictly works in progress, and all the above assume that i might die, when in actuality I won't.